It's no definitive masterpiece but it's damn close.

How sad is this?

Best movie of this year hands down!

It's the kind of movie you'll want to see a second time with someone who hasn't seen it yet, to remember what it was like to watch it for the first time.

"Don't Go Near the Park" is one of the most bizarrely incompetent movies I have ever seen. I've watched it twice now, and still don't really know what it's about. There's something in there about cavemen being cursed to never die but continue to age. The only way the cavemen can stave off this awesome decrepitude is to eat the guts of children. They also hang out in a park, I think, which sort-of-explains the title. (?)Other than that I can't really make head nor tail of this movie. There are a few scenes where people's guts are ripped open, however unconvincingly. Why do they just do it with their hands? Wouldn't it take incredible strength to rip through the stomach muscles to access the gut?There is an attempted rape scene where a girl has her shirt ripped open and then makes a van crash.Also Linnea Quigley shows up in one of her earliest roles. She shows her breast.There's also a curly-haired kid, whose presence in the movie I didn't understand, and a guy named Cowboy.Can anything be made of all this?I'm not the asinine type of film viewer who needs everything to make sense. Some of my favourite movies make no sense and I love them for it. But "Don't Go Near the Park" has another fatal flaw: it's boring.

Another one from the video nasties list. Again brutally cut but was that necessary? This is a strange movie, it's about longevity and how to get it. 12000 years ago a brother and his sister were condemned to perpetual dying but never death. a young virgin must be sacrificed to get salvation. So suddenly we are in present days with that brother killing people to eat there entrails, cannibalism in other words. But it's all shown in the worst effects you can get, especially the face turning older or younger, it's stop motion done. but it works in some way. The mother is played by Linnea Quigley, here in her 5th movie. She gives a good performance. Then the movie turns out that the child of Linnea is the chosen virgin she get's an amulet from her father coming from 12000 years ago, she runs from home getting in the park. But it's all so cheaply done, the score doesn't work, the editing is weird. And the child is played by Tamara Taylor, she only played in 5 movies this her first and nothing is know about her age. So they had to cut the love scene's and rape scene's she had to make. Even the scene's with Linnea and her brother were cut, in the cut version you see her undress, when she is almost on naked they cut to another scene, the full uncut shows her full frontal naked. The version I have (anchor bay) it's all left in, and don't worry, you are missing nothing, it's strange that this one has been cut, the zombies at the end are laughable too. A weird movie and hard to find uncut.

What to think? What to say? It's one of those. I couldn't keep my eyes off it, as there's something alluring about this ultra-disjointed and rough-around-the-edges schlock fest. It feels much older than it actually is. Maybe it's that elevator music that is the score? I don't care too much about it's bad rep, as you can't knock that it doesn't have it own sense of imagination (quite flip-out, boundless and senseless story-telling), however the execution is technically poor. Everything moves fast (too fast), as the story gets cluttered (as the time-line over the first half is rushed) with mangled and twisted ideas. It's a hard one to fathom. The exploitative script is interesting… to say the least. Some of the lines are amusingly laughable ("I'm sick of people trying to molest me" is said to a perverted young boy) and cracks out some very unlikely occurrences. All of this makes it quite an unpredictable smörgåsbord. Where else can you see two ancient cult siblings (a leaden Barbara Monker and… Crackers Phinn?) ripping open the stomachs of young kids and feeding on them to prevent premature ageing from a curse their mother bestowed on them for their cannibalism habits? Oh, that's an appetite. It's explicit, but primitive and clumsily staged. The FX effects for such a bare-bones production shouldn't really surprise how tatty they come across. The lumpy direction is unfocused and pacing can get sluggish. Towards the latter end there's an odd, abstract dream sequence that the female protagonist has that I liked how they presented it. The climax is spontaneously jaded and outlandishly baffling (with the best use of random laser eyes since 'The Dark (1979)"). Tacked on is a prolonged, surprise shock ending. Aldo Ray and Linda Quigley (two very watchable performers) also show up in minor parts. In the lead is an honest and more than capable Tamara Taylor.

I caught this (though not the whole film) on The Horror Channel (UK), and last month it came out on DVD. I got myself a copy (since it was cheap) to mock review for my upcoming website.This movie is regarded by some to be the "best bad movie of all time".The plot? Well, it's an incoherent mess, but here goes... *deep breath* Two cannibal people, one male one female, from a crazy tribe of cannibals in the past got in trouble so an old lady who thinks she's in charge cursed them. The curse causes them to live forever as immortals but constantly age, but they can retain their youth by every certain number of years eating the insides of a virgin who happens to be the guy's daughter, or something like that. So the guy gets married and raises a daughter called Bonnie. And then she one day runs away to the park which is like abandoned and lives in this abandoned house with an old lady (who is obviously the female cannibal), a little kid who swears, and a guy who they call 'cowboy'. The two cannibals want to do some ritual on Bonnie and eat her guts. WHAT WILL SHE DO?!!The film does feature Linnea Quigely in her first ever role, and yes, she gets her bits out. Though obviously not quite as much as in Return of the Living Dead! Most of the actors do a rubbish job, though, and the camera-work, directing and effects are all absurdly bad for it's time - after the first time I watched it I was stunned to find out it was an early 80's flick, it barely passes as an early 70's low budget horror! - and absurd pointless ideas just appear now and then which will just get you laughing.Oh and did I mention the SUPER CANNIBAL LASER EYES? That's right, when somebody ticks them off they can use their SUPER CANNIBAL LASER EYES on them. Doesn't kill them. Just makes them hurt a little, apparently.The whole thing feels like something some students might make, only I doubt even students would include SUPER CANNIBAL LASER EYES.Top notch if you want to see a really bad movie and laugh. If on the other hand you are after a decent horror movie, I would recommend that you DON'T GO NEAR THE DVD.