The greatest movie ever!

A film with more than the usual spoiler issues. Talking about it in any detail feels akin to handing you a gift-wrapped present and saying, "I hope you like it -- It's a thriller about a diabolical secret experiment."

Each character in this movie — down to the smallest one — is an individual rather than a type, prone to spontaneous changes of mood and sometimes amusing outbursts of pettiness or ill humor.

A great movie, one of the best of this year. There was a bit of confusion at one point in the plot, but nothing serious.

Don't Go Near the Park (1982) * 1/2 (out of 4) Insane plot dealing with a couple people from 12,000 years ago who finds themselves living in the present day. How can they do this? Well, it turns out that they're cannibals and eating on young flesh can keep them young. The male cannibal has a 16-year-old daughter who runs away from home and into the arms of the other cannibal and while all of this is going on she manages to fall in love. There are about ten other sub-plots going on in this thing and none of them ever make a bit of sense. DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK has the reputation of being one of the worst films ever made, which I think is a bit too harsh because this thing certainly reaches a "so bad it's good" level and in its own weird way the thing is somewhat entertaining. It remains entertaining because 86% of the time you're just sitting there scratching your head and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Nothing in regards to the story ever makes a bit of sense and new things just keep happening and even they don't mix with what you've already seen. Just check out the sequence where the male cannibal shows up at a woman's house (played by a young Linnea Quigley) and walks in on her in the shower. Without any questions and without putting any clothes on, she shows the man to the room for rent and the next few scenes she's under his spell, they're married and have a kid coming. There are some pretty campy and funny moments in the film including a scene where the daughter is being attacked by a couple hippies and the van crashes off a bridge but you can clearly see a rope pulling it off the bridge. The performances are all rather bad, although Quigley is certainly cute and the top-billed Aldo Ray just appears in a couple scenes. The director at least was smart enough to know people wanted nudity and gore and the film delivers that. The special gore effects are all rather obvious as our cannibals rip open the stomachs of people and start chomping. The effect is easy to spot but at least there's some red stuff. I rarely comment on deleted scenes on a DVD but the ones here are a must see because they contain even more gore and there's even a full-frontal nude shot of Quigley, which you have to really wonder why they didn't use in the film. There are even more subplots thrown in as well as a scene with the daughter and her lover making out in a wooden tub! So, with all of this stuff going on you can tell that this is a bad movie but at the same time it certainly ranks as one of the strangest.

These days, a visit to the local park might involve dodging drunks, knife wielding hoodies, drug addicts, or paedophiles, but at least there aren't 12,000 year old cannibals waiting in the bushes to snack on your guts!In trashy schlock horror Don't Go Near the Park, that's what is waiting for people who choose to ignore local superstition and wander into the wooded area that is home to immortal brother and sister, Gar (Crackers Phinn) and Tra (Barbara Bain). Cursed by their mother to suffer endless death but never die (?), these prehistoric siblings must eat the internal organs of their victims to survive, until the day when two Wolf stars are in perfect alignment and the sacrifice of a virgin descended from their tribe breaks the curse and grants them both eternal life.To ensure that they have a virgin of the correct stock handy when the time comes, Gar hooks up with a tasty blonde (Linnea Quigley), gets married, and knocks her up (all seemingly within the space of ten minutes): 16 years later, and it is Gar's daughter, Bondi (played by jail-bait cutie Tamara Taylor), who is to be sacrificed. When Bondi runs away from home, however, it looks as though she may escape this terrible fate—if only she didn't decide on the local park as her hiding place...This amazingly dumb plot is brought to life by a director, Lawrence D. Foldes, who is so inept behind the camera, it's a miracle that he took the lens cap off whilst filming, and a cast who make the acting in my son's nativity play look positively professional by comparison. That said, by some miracle, Don't Go Near the Park actually proves to be rather entertaining.There are plenty of unintentional laughs to be had at the expense of the pitiful dialogue. shoddy costumes, and dreadful effects, and the cheesy gore makes the film fun for those who enjoy their splatter (it was sufficiently bloody to win it a place on the official Video Nasties list). The film is also notable for Quigley's early role as Bondi's mother, which sees her actually trying to act (as well, of course, taking a shower when called upon). Further welcome nudity is supplied by young Tamara Taylor, who seems to get felt up by almost everyone, including Gar, some wannabe rapist teens, and an eight year old kid.The film ends in a suitably ridiculous manner, with Gar's sacrificial ritual going haywire, laser beams shooting from his eyes, zombies rising from the dead, and a twist ending that suggests that Bondi will carry on her family's entrails-eating tradition.Entertaining for all the wrong reasons, I rate Don't Go Near the Park an unbelievably generous 6/10.

I read the warnings online. Despite them, I stupidly went out and rented this piece of garbage. Wow. I've been let-down by a movie before, but never by a movie I had no expectations for anyway. This was just bad. First of all, the intro takes place "12,000 years ago"... which would make the characters 10,000 years older than Christ, but they speak VERY good American English... wow. THAT'S an impressive feat, almost as impressive as going on a 12,000 year-long murdering spree and not being caught once. Another impressive feat would have to be the awesome special effects they used to show aging... which were the exact same effects used in The Wolf Man almost 40 years prior to this. Incredible. [sarcasm]Yes folks, this movie includes it all: bad acting, stupid effects, weak plot, and best of all, two 12,000 year old murderers, everything. The only thing this movie has going for it, in my opinion, is that it's hard to find.

The language that I need to use to describe this film is unprintable. All I can say is DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM under any circumstances. If someone threatens to kill you if you don't watch this film, choose death(and keep some dignity). I've never died, but it can't be worse than watching this. I personally, am scarred for life.