A Disappointing Continuation

I cannot think of one single thing that I would change about this film. The acting is incomparable, the directing deft, and the writing poignantly brilliant.

It’s fine. It's literally the definition of a fine movie. You’ve seen it before, you know every beat and outcome before the characters even do. Only question is how much escapism you’re looking for.

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

Two astronauts (David and Cody) crash land on a planet with cave people inhabiting it. The males are primitive and violent. The females are intelligent and have trained themselves in martial arts. A mysterious woman appeared a long time ago "before David and Cody's time" and gave the women a book of knowledge. The mysterious woman's fate isn't discussed. The astronauts want to sleep with the women. First, David decides to help them save one of the girls that's kidnaped by the men. Cody has nefarious intentions. The women want to teach the men how to be civil. A war between cavemen and cavewomen will erupt with two astronauts in the middle.

Life is too short to waste on awful movies. However, I also have too much time to kill, so that's how I end up spending my life. And what a waste of time "Jurassic Women" was! It seems to have been made for cable TV, though I can't for the life of me figure out what channel could have possibly aired it. Written and produced by legendary bad filmmaker David Heavener, the best thing I can say about it is thank goodness Heavener wasn't actually IN the movie. Astronauts Cody Sinclair (Jonathan Vakeen) and David Clayton (James Phillips) are traveling through the solar system when they enter a wormhole that takes them to another galaxy. They awaken on the surface of a dense, woodsy planet and are immediately captured by a group of ignorant male savages with a knack for martial arts. No sooner are they captives than a group of intelligent women fend off the savages and rescue the astronauts. They take the astronauts to their village to meet the tribe leader and mother (Grace Renn) of the most chatty of the women that rescued them (Lisa Nelson, called Kaboo by the mother but Sandra in the cast listing). The mother looks to be about the same age as the other women, which the Sinclair later deduces to be because of their healthy diet. Upon talking with the tribe leader, they learn a rather vague history of why the women can speak. Many years ago, the tribe received a female visitor from Earth that taught them many things. This teaching was mainly accomplished by bestowing on them the "Book of Knowledge" and the "Gift of Happiness". Apparently, the visitor then left. The male tribe, at some point, obtained the Book of Knowledge, saw some pictures of fighting in it, and instantly learned martial arts. The two tribes, consisting of about a dozen people each, live separately from each other, the women in gentle peacefulness and the men in primitive foolishness. It's never made clear when or why the two genders split apart but neither group seems to understand procreation or how life works. Sinclair is a gentleman, quickly falling in love with Kaboo and getting along just fine with the tribe, while Clayton is a typical male chauvinist that is instantly interested in bedding the women and gets frustrated by their rejection o him. When the male tribe kidnaps a woman and Clayton, out of jealousy, sides with the other men (he suddenly and unexpectedly pulls out a revolver at this point, and one wonders why he waited so long to reveal it and why he had it in the first place), Sinclair seeks out the wisdom of an isolated male (Jan- Michael Vincent) to point the way to where to find the male's camp. Don't think for a second that the sole intriguing thing about the movie, the mysterious "visitor" for long ago, is ever revealed. She isn't. We learn absolutely nothing about her. But we do find out what the things she left for the tribe are: The Book of Life is one thin volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica and the Gift of Happiness is a toy doll. For me, this produced one big burst of laughter---which is the only real value for this movie. It's so bad it's hysterical. The acting by the two leads is incredibly awful. It's no wonder that this is the only credit Jonathan Vakeen ever had. I recognized James Phillips from "Badlanders" which was made a few years earlier and was barely better than this. I feel sorry for Jan-Michael Vincent. He is far better than this material. At first, I was wondering how in the world the filmmakers managed to find the funding to make this movie, but then I realized that they didn't really have to spend much on it at all. The beginning space scenes are all stock footage---some of which I remember seeing in the M/A/R/R/S "Pump Up the Volume" music video from 1988. Besides the opening scene on the spaceship, there are no sets, since it all takes place in the forest. The astronauts' spacesuits look like jumpsuits you'd see auto mechanics wearing. And there really are no props. Which then leaves one to wonder why they bothered making such a movie? That is a mystery I am unable to answer for you. The only thing positive I can say about it is that it is harmless. So, unless you are a Jan-Michael Vincent completionist or absolutely HAVE to see every movie containing people in loincloths, steer clear of this one. Zantara's score: 1 out of 10.