This Movie Can Only Be Described With One Word.

i know i wasted 90 mins of my life.

I think this is a new genre that they're all sort of working their way through it and haven't got all the kinks worked out yet but it's a genre that works for me.

A clunky actioner with a handful of cool moments.

NINJA, THE BATTALION is a typically inane and incomprehensible cut-and-paste adventure from Hong Kong director Godfrey Ho, here hiding under a pseudonym. Don't go in expecting sense of any kind, because you won't find it. Ho, as usual, has incorporated footage from an old, unknown production and mixed it with new footage involving ninja hero Alexander Rei Lo and his buddies kicking bad-guy backside. The older film is some stodgy Taiwanese drama with Japanese baddies and you can see why it remains unknown. The new footage is the usual woodland fighting goofiness, with cameos from Robert Tai and Eugene Thomas, plus the inimitable Phillip Ko looking extremely dapper in his suit and waistcoat.

Four Chinese scientists that are experts in germ warfare have been kidnapped by the evil Japanese, headed by a man named Nakamura. He's using his Mitsui Company as a cover for Japanese agents and espionage in Shanghai, China. A man named Ken Yong, who introduces himself to new people he meets by saying he's the "number one secret agent!" is on the case. He's also a snappy dresser, never without a fedora and bow tie. Yong gets his two best agents, a man named Alex (presumably Alexander Lou) and his partner, a blonde Westerner named Steven, to unravel what's going on and save the scientists. But it's going to prove complicated (very, very complicated) because the Russians are involved, as well as an all-female mercenary group known as The Tigresses, and naturally the way to settle the disputes of all involved, in the interest of international negotiations, is ninja, ninja, ninja! Watch in amazement as the indefatigable Godfrey Ho churns out another mishmash of entertainment...Somehow, we never get tired of the works of Godfrey Ho. Just as he himself never gets tired of creating them. They have an unorthodox, demented style all their own. And TransWorld entertainment never seemed to tire of releasing them to video stores during the 80's Ninja Boom. So we'll just keep talking about them until we run out of Ninja Boom movies to talk about (which will be never). Ninja: The Battalion features all the impressive physical feats and completely absurd dubbing we've come to know and love. The movie's insistence on anglicizing all the names certainly adds to the ridiculousness: not only was it directed by "Victor Sears", but the head of the Tigresses is named "Ruth Brooks", they kidnap a man named "Jimmy", and a dude named "Clay" is head of one of the espionage groups. Who did they think they were fooling? But it all adds to the fun.It has some great opening freeze frames (yes, more than one). We're always talking about how much we love when people walk away coolly from an explosion, preferably in slow motion and/or while wearing sunglasses (bonus points if they're smoking). What never gets discussed are freeze-frame explosions. "Victor Sears" tries to set the record straight. The movie has some of the other time-honored moments we always see: the disco scene, the Prerequisite Torture, the fights in the woods, and, because Godfrey Ho is the director, his classic Final Field Fight. He also makes sure to include his crawling ninjas, as well as his ninjas that defy the laws of physics and gravity, which spice things up and make everything fun to watch. The plot strand that involved The Tigresses was one of the more interesting ones in this Gordian Knot, and anytime they were on screen, things seemed to pick up. Further weirdness ensues, as if more was necessary, when characters communicate via hand symbols while a song that sounds a lot like "New York Groove" plays repeatedly on the soundtrack. But if you didn't want nonsensical weirdness, you wouldn't be watching this in the first place.Godfrey Ho is the master of turning cinematic nonsense into an art, and his movies, once you get into their singular style, become addictive. Though it may seem counterintuitive, we look forward to the next one.

The Super Ninja himself, Alexander Lou and a chap who looks uncannily like a cross between The Sweeney's Dennis Waterman and Bruce Dickenson of Iron Maiden fame find themselves clumsily edited into a Chinese gangster movie here as served up by that Grand Master of Z-grade crap, Mr. Godfrey Ho.....Well so lists the IMDb at least. On the version I watched Victor Sears is credited as director with Tomas Tang as producer but with all of Godfrey Ho's pseudonyms flying around left, right and centre, who can say who was responsible for this!The story concerns four Chinese germ warfare scientists who are kidnapped by a Japanese organisation headed by a man called Nacamura. Not wishing to risk a global incident, another group called the De Wald's endeavour to retrieve the hostages back via an insider called Keith within the Nacamura organisation. For good measure (and in order that some new footage can be edited into the proceedings) the De Wald's also enlist Alex (Lou) and Steve (Dennis Waterman/Bruce Dickenson hybrid) to help out.This is where it gets rather odd, for the De Wald's appear to reveal themselves unto one another via a decidedly odd system of covert gestures involving hand signals and tea pot manipulations (yes you read that last part correctly!)Anyway, during an attempt to spring the captives from their cells, Keith is shot dead and another player called Truman turns up and takes off with the scientists for his own ends.Ignorant of this however, Nacamura and his cronies pay the De Wald's a visit in order to take back the hostages who he erroneously believes are in their possession. After a bit of a scuffle Nacamura and his men walk out but not before warning De Wald in no uncertain terms that he wants his hostages back.Meanwhile, Truman strikes up a deal with some Russians who he intends to sell the scientists to. Unfortunately for him however, his dreams are not to be realised for Alex and Steve intercept the Russian agents and send them to early graves.OK…..With the Russians now a no go, Truman decides to sell the hostages back to Nacamura. The De Wald's meanwhile, join forces with a female sisterhood called the Tigress Group who comprise solely of feisty female kung fu experts in order that they may help to locate and rescue the captives.Cue plenty more shootouts etc.Anyhoo, Nacamura and Truman agree to meet up to make the trade off. Unbeknown to them however, a spy is active within their ranks who promptly informs the De Wald's who proceed to gate crash the party….. Yep, you've guessed it, it's yet another shootout!Suddenly Alex and Steve also appear running down the hill in their full ninja gear (presumably to get the hostages.) There next follows a particularly odd scene with a calm looking old man (supposedly amongst all this shooting?!?!) who exclaims 'Ninjas!' before turning and casually wandering off(!!!!!)Erm…..OK……who in the hell was this old fellow? Well in actual fact he's ostensibly the same actor who played Nacamura but in this scene he looks at least ten years older and now is missing his moustache! Obviously the same actor was rehired by the director to film a scene for the newly edited in segments. A nice try eh?!Anyway, back to the plot; Nacamura (in the original film) threatens to murder the scientists unless the De Wald's call off their attack which they reluctantly do so. You may be wondering where Alex and Steve got to? Well I have absolutely no bloody idea! It's never explained (as is so little else in the movie!)Nacamura next takes Truman out for a meal to finalise the transaction and in addition tries to have Truman bumped off! The attempt fails, but during this moment, Truman exposes the spy within Nacamura's group – a woman called Eliza. Nacamura and Truman pal up again but unbeknown to them, Eliza has already informed the De Wald's of the whereabouts of the hostages.As a result of this, the Tigress group are quick to spring into action and liberate the scientists from their captivity. Mightily ticked off by this, Nacamura and Truman resolve to have Eliza executed the next day and in addition Nacamura hires some ninja to take care of Alex and Steve.Hey presto! – cue a newly edited in scene featuring the 'old man sans moustache' Nacamura again as he welcomes the ninja who are led by non other than Alexander Lou regular co star Eugene Thomas! Yay!!!Nacamura and Truman decide that death by firing squad is a fitting end to Eliza (the spy remember?) but fear not, for the De Wald's turn up in the nick of time for one final big shootout! As this is happening, Alex and Steve come running down the Hillside (a VERY DIFFERENT LOOKING hillside in fact!) to rescue Eliza. Suddenly Eugene jumps out and a battle ensues. Alex ends up taking care of the other three ninja whilst Steve unwisely takes on Eugene who apparently has the gift of unaided flight! (you really need to see the scene to believe it!) During the fight, Steve is unlucky enough to be impaled against a tree with his own sword thus leaving Alex, who has by this time dispensed of the other ninja, to fight on against Eugene alone.Eugene proves too much of a challenge even for Alex though who is losing the battle quite soundly, that is until Steve, in one final burst of energy and with the sword still skewering him, leaps onto the back of Eugene and impales him to! WHOA!!!Quite rightly the final words out of Steve's mouth are 'Glorious ninja death!' What a man!!!!Well, what can I say? For fellow Z-Grade ninja movie fans this is certainly worth a watch. Everyone else….best to give it a miss.