In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

A film with more than the usual spoiler issues. Talking about it in any detail feels akin to handing you a gift-wrapped present and saying, "I hope you like it -- It's a thriller about a diabolical secret experiment."

A clunky actioner with a handful of cool moments.

The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

Quench begins with an everyday sort of guy who has a best friend die suddenly, so he goes back to his hometown to visit a buddy from his high school days. His former classmate has changed into someone with jet black hair patterned after Billy Joe, the lead singer of Green Day. In fact, everybody other than the grieving lead looks like a pasty, goth castaway from Night of the Living Dead(apologies to George Romero).He crashes with the vampire like dude and his girlfriend when things turn really weird with more anemic looking compatriots arriving and everyone is up for some sexual shenanigans. Are we having fun yet? The next chapter we see the really white people in robes, worshiping Satan; holy cow. The end can't come soon enough as Quench is a waste of time.

It looks like the budget for this film was roughly the same as the price of two McDonald's Happy Meals and a pack of Big Red gum. Yet it is not cheapness that defines Quench. It looks like most of the cast learned how to act by watching the Spider-Man segments on public television's old Electric Company show. Yet it is not the largely deficient performances which define this movie. No, Quench is defined by the awesome tediousness of Zack Parker's writing and direction. Imagine if the world's dullest man went to film school, graduated with a GPA of 2.76 and then made a movie that literally bored him to death while he edited it together. That's what Quench is like.The story, which moves slower than molasses spilled on the surface of the ice planet Hoth, concerns scraggily-bearded college student Derik (Bo Barrett) hitchhiking his way to Richmond, Indiana to visit his childhood friend Jason (Ben Schmitt). Derik can't think of anywhere else to go after suffering a tragedy in his life, but he's put off by Jason's transformation into a small town wannabe goth, complete with black nail polish and a girlfriend who dresses and acts like a fat version of the lead singer of Evanescence. Jason and his girlfriend are involved in some secret group, something that alienates Derik as he sleeps on their couch and mooches off them for a couple of weeks. After Jason politely suggests Derik get off his lazy ass and get a job so he can help pay for basic expenses like food and utilities, Derik throws a fit like a first-class douche bag and storms out. He hooks up with Gina (Mia Moretti), a member of Jason's secret group. Like one of the psychotically lonely and desperate women from a VH1 reality show, Gina reveals the secrets of the group to Derik and asks him to join as her lover. After taking so long to get to that point that it felt like moss had started to grow on my eyeballs, it takes about 45 seconds for things to go bad with Derik and the secret group and the movie then ends with a twist that's more like a punch line from a basic cable comedy skit.There is some female nudity in Quench, including the spectacular bazoombas of Samantha Eileen DeTurk as Jason's girlfriend, and Mia Moretti appears to have some acting talent. There's also a crude competence to the film-making and there are some ideas in the story that could have become genuinely interesting. However, everything in this film moves…so…very…very…slowly, as though writer/director Parker thinks tedium and dramatic tension are the exact same thing. It's not just that there are too many scenes that go on too long with nothing happening in them. It's that every single moment is stretched out and dwelled upon like the movie was timed out with a sundial. Judging from Quench, if Zack Parker were hired to direct a toothpaste commercial, he'd wind up making one that was 14 minutes long.I'll be the first to complain about the hyperkinetic pace and visual blur of today's films that are made by people who have apparently never watched anything except music videos. However, it appears as though Parker has never watched anything except paint dry and grass grow.It also doesn't help matters than Parker writes dialog like he's never had a fun or engaging conversation in his entire life. He also inexplicably has the main role in his movie portrayed by the least attractive guy in his cast. Bo Barrett makes Tom Green look like Tom Cruise. Even the male extras are all better looking than him. It may seem cheap and shallow, but the importance of having pretty people in your cast is inversely proportional to the production values of your movie. The better they are, the uglier your actors can be. The worse they are, the better it is to have the most attractive performers you can get, even if they can barely speak two sentences at a time.Quench is a undeniable failure as a film. It is so stultifyingly languid that it might succeed as a cure for insomnia. If you do make the bad decision to watch it, be sure and not operate any heavy machinery afterwards.

*SPOILERS* This comment is probably the first and last one I will ever write on IMDb, but I felt the need to battle back against the grassroots conspiracy that is attempting to make this movie sound good. Simply put, this movie is terrible. The two gushing reviews on IMDb are obvious plants. It is not merely a matter of differing opinions, because there exists no realistic subjective perspective from which this film could be described as "a true Midwestern masterpiece." I wanted to enjoy this film. The DVD box spewed enticing praise like, "a thinking man's horror film" and "beautiful and frightening." There is nothing remotely frightening or thought provoking about this movie, and it left me feeling intentionally deceived. The acting is literally the worst I have ever seen. By the third scene, I found myself craving the performance quality of Sci-Fi originals or Oreo commercials with Eli Manning.I found it impossible to sympathize with the slouching, whiny, androgynous main character, despite his tragic circumstances. His techniques for portraying a tortured soul mostly consisted of twisting his mouth around and staring downwards. During one of the cutting scenes, I was desperately hoping that the razor would be used to shave that disgusting strip of face-pubes trying to crawl off of his neck onto his face. That patch of facial hair was easily the most disconcerting part of this horror masterwork.The rest of the characters are basically run-of-the-mill Goths with nasal congestion or speech impediments. Somehow, after meeting him for mere hours, one of them falls deeply in love with our round-shouldered hero, despite the fact that he has absolutely zero redeeming qualities. And then, after 88 agonizingly boring minutes of being mild-mannered and welcoming, the rest of the Goths inexplicably turn into murderous psychopaths, just to facilitate the shocking ending. It felt like someone decided to build a movie around a plot twist, but forgot to include a plot.All in all, this movie really was awful. I wouldn't have felt the need to write anything about it, though, if I wasn't reading overtly ridiculous things like, "style carries subtle nuances of Kubrick, Polanski and Lynch." It is disrespectful to the audience to so deliberately exaggerate, especially when the comments are written in an elitist tone that suggests anyone who disagrees is a simpleton with a short attention span and poor taste in cinema. It causes everyone involved in the project to lose a lot of credibility, but I guess the movie did that too.6.5/100

I have to say, as soon as the very first shot hit, I had a bad feeling, and by the third shot, I was groaning. Seriously, the third shot: not scene, shot. I gave it a bit of benefit of the doubt, but by five minutes I paused it and came here to see what others thought. This is the first time I have done this. At this writing there are four comments. One sounds like an eager wannabe film critic, probably a friend of the director. The other three confirm my suspicions fully: leaden acting, slovenly editing, gratuitous saturation, pedestrian exposition, High Portentiousness. This would be great if it was a novice film school project, but it has no justification for being treated seriously, or being distributed or admired as a genuine effort. I just wish the DVD store was still open, so much for watching a movie tonight.I don't know if this will be approved, based on all of five minutes of watching, but so far it looks like a serious stinker. According to the other credible comments, yeah, it really is. I'd believe them: Avoid.