Yo, there's no way for me to review this film without saying, take your *insert ethnicity + "ass" here* to see this film,like now. You have to see it in order to know what you're really messing with.

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

The plot isn't so bad, but the pace of storytelling is too slow which makes people bored. Certain moments are so obvious and unnecessary for the main plot. I would've fast-forwarded those moments if it was an online streaming. The ending looks like implying a sequel, not sure if this movie will get one

There are moments in this movie where the great movie it could've been peek out... They're fleeting, here, but they're worth savoring, and they happen often enough to make it worth your while.

QUEST FOR THE EGG SALAD seems to be Chris Seaver's way of showing he could make no budget comedies in genres other than the schlock horror he is best known for, i.e. his appalling FILTHY MCNASTY trilogy. This one's a would-be fantasy epic, shot in the woods in the LORD OF THE RINGS style, and told via a framing device narrative copied from THE PRINCESS BRIDE.Unfortunately, it turns out to be just as appallingly awful as Seaver's other films, albeit slightly less offensive. Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of bad taste material here, it's just not as bad as seen elsewhere. The whole film consists of non-actors dressed in rubber costumes and saying dumb dialogue in the woods. It's very lousy, and yes, you guessed it, the dumb Teen Ape character has another cameo.

I can't say it's the "worst" movie ever. Look at the last three installments of Star Wars. :) I enjoy watching nano-budget movies, but this one, albeit set in the guise of humor, was a bit.. uh.. dis-tasteful at times. Especially the intro. Could have done without that bit!There were some funny bits that I enjoyed. Specifically the Goblin King's last speech before dispatching his wraith. That was funny. Probably brought on by the technical difficulty of his having a mortal hand. Actually, if that type of writing was throughout the movie, it would have been closer to awesome.There seemed to me a bit too much homosexual references for such a band of brave adventurers. Teenape seemed to be the only one willing to partake of the elven chick. What's up with that? There were some references to other fantasy movies, but more tongue-in-cheek than relevant, as they were portrayed. Some bits worked...Actually, some of the make-up was okay for a nano-budget movie. Locations and sets, okay. But the story and dialog was rather missing.As I said before, I enjoy watching movies like this, because someone at least tried to make a movie. This movie "was" entertaining. And it did have some cohesion in the editing. But the script really needed some work. The actors weren't all that bad. Some actually pulled it off, but the rest sucked. Sorry.I noticed that this movie got more reviews than mine. Then again, most of this movie's reviews are how bad it sucked. I should be grateful for such reviews not being said about my first movie. Well, I guess I have praised this movie to a point? :) Don't let the negativity keep you from making more movies. Just try to make them better. 'Nuff said...

I will say that this movie is probably the best one that has either Teen Ape or Bonejack in it. But before you go ahead and get your hopes up, let me tell you that every other movie they have out (under Low Budget Pictures) is horrible. The absolute worst. So with that in mind let's review this little romp in the woods. Chris Seaver has no talent, so keep that in mind. This film manages to be halfway funny because I have seen it last compared to his other films, which like I said before were horrible, unwatchable and just a bunch of friends getting together with no plot and making inside jokes to each other. The Goblin King is a recycled Filthy Mcnasty that actually works in this movie. Teen Ape is taken away from being one of 3 on screen due to other players, so that helps keep the crap level down. And Chris Seaver plays a dual role so Bonejack is kept at a minimum too. Leaving the rest of the flick to be not so bad. Not great or even good, but not so bad. A little more thought could have went into "sets", at one point the goblin king is on his thrown in which looks like someone's basement (I believe it is a barn though). C'mon guys, at least hide the buckets and crap! And at one point in the woods filming you can see a jogger in the background quite clearly without zooming in. The rest of the cast does a moderate job and the 2 elf girls provide some brief eye candy (they are cute girls). So if you MUST see something from Splatter or Low Budget Pictures, make this the ONE you see. You'll thank me. 1.5 out of 10

The highlight of this film is in the first minutes, where Teen Ape, while getting head from a perky anonymous skank, accidentally ejaculates across the room into the mouth of our narrator, who then proceeds to dribble what looks like skim milk into said skank's eager mouth, in what has to be the worst attempt at faking a "snowballing" scene in film history. Unfortunately, the ape-groupie departs, and things go rapidly downhill from there. Some of Teen Ape's obnoxious crude sexual commentary would be funny, if it were not so badly mumbled and incoherent. There are a lot of in-jokes and winks, but nothing funnier than what you'd see in a high school annual. The juxtaposition of medieval dialog with pseudo-gangsta hip-hop slang falls flat, and the crass dialog is too tediously delivered to be funny. One of the great things about truly dreadful movies is that the actors, while dreadful, are somewhat sincere. This cast doesn't suffer from such a misconception however. With a few exceptions, they know they suck, and don't seem to care. The result is more boredom than exploitation. Bright spots: Anonymous Slattern, Elegant Elliott, the Elf Ho', and the Wandering Swordsman.Funniest line: "...and my f**king hand turned mortal!"The Goblin KingIf you're a fan of low-life cinema a la Troma Team, and you expect something similar from this, you'll be disappointed. It's terrible, but not so terrible that it's fun to watch. A good movie to recommend to someone you're mad at.