Surprisingly incoherent and boring

I have absolutely never seen anything like this movie before. You have to see this movie.

If you like to be scared, if you like to laugh, and if you like to learn a thing or two at the movies, this absolutely cannot be missed.

If you're interested in the topic at hand, you should just watch it and judge yourself because the reviews have gone very biased by people that didn't even watch it and just hate (or love) the creator. I liked it, it was well written, narrated, and directed and it was about a topic that interests me.

My FTA usually puts on great old movies with regularity and I am always eager to watch because I don't see much these days that has any real depth to the story, so I usually chew it up eagerly. So, this afternoon, I was treated to "The Baby and the Battleship". The name put me off a bit, but I saw that the there was quite a stellar cast and decided to stick with it while lying on the lounge and eating a nice hot pork dumpling soup with some jasmine tea (sounds kinda snotty-nose doesn't it?)Well....that's where it ended.If you thought that you were getting class with John Mills and Richard Attenborough, forget it. They have done better things when visiting the toilet when they get up of a morning. The whole movie is a milquetoast presentation with a poor shot at Marx Bros. mayhem that misses by quite a bit. From start to finish, the whole plot is just an unbelievable potpourri of badly written comedy, stiff acting and rubbish lines in general. It doesn't surprise me that the movie was panned by critics back in the 50's. What did stand out was the editing of the movie. My wife and I sat and watched the movie thinking that the baby (quite mature) that was used would have been blubbering intensely at the end of most scenes, but I believe that, due to editing, the kid was made to look like a total actor that was in control of itself at all times, which is more than I could say for the grown-ups. The rest of the cast were made to look like badly written cartoons.Do yourself a favor and give this one a miss. The big names in this movie have made better and this must have been just a quick money-maker while they were in between projects.It may not seem like it, but I'm lost for words with this one.

When your light airy comedy can boast Richard Attenborough and John Mills as its leads, well it's in safe hands as a time filler at least. The Baby And The Battleship is one of those affable comedies that filtered out of Shepperton Studios from time to time back in the day. Always crammed with stock British talent, they serve as a reminder, much like the Pinewood Studios comedies released in the same time frame, of simple honest enjoyment. No frills or attempts at insulting the viewers intelligence, they existed (exist) purely as a medium to be sampled without the need for dissection or deeper themed meanings (like some of Ealing's comedies for example).This effort revolves around two sailors, Knocker (Attenborough) and Puncher (Mills), who while on shore leave find themselves baby minding the brother of Knocker's Italian fiancée, the 13th born in the family no less! After a big punch up in the city, Puncher wakes up to find everyone has gone except the baby, who is still sitting in the last place Puncher had left him. Fretting and unable to find Knocker 9who's off with his lady searching elsewhere), Puncher smuggles the baby on board his ship and promptly enlists his ship mates to help him. Cue much mirth as first the ship sails leaving Knocker AWOL on shore, and secondly as macho sailors try to temporarily raise the child whilst simultaneously keeping him hidden from the ship's superiors; something that proves most definitely hard to do.As one can reasonably expect with a cast containing two of Great Britain's treasures, the acting is value for money. Backed up by a ships roll call consisting of Bryan Forbes, Michael Hordern, Michael Howard, Lionel Jeffries, John Le Mesurier and Gordon Jackson, it's easy to see why this comedy was steered safely into port. Also having some nice outer location work at Abattoir Wharf in Corradino, Malta, is a plus as well. The Baby And The Battleship probably isn't a film you would want to watch time and time again, but hey, sometimes once is enough to leave a safe and favourable impression. 6/10

In it's perverse way,"The baby and the battleship" is a small masterpiece. It is the archetypal Lower Deck comedy,replete with Shepperton Cockneys wise in the way of the world,Dartmouth Naval College types who think - mistakenly -that they actually run the ship and noisy over-exciteable foreigners (in this case Italians) for our boys to patronise cheerily. As a bonus there is an Admiral who looks and sounds as if he has escaped from a touring production of" H.M.S.Pinafore".He is played by Mr D.A.Clarke - Smith who was 68 years old at the time and sported a monocle. He treats AWOL seaman Knocker White (Sir Richard Attenborough) as if he was a schoolboy caught with a catapult in his pocket and he made me laugh more in his five minutes screen time than the entire oeuvre of Rowan Atkinson. Puncher(Sir John Mills) a former navy boxing champion is Knocker's oppo(see how easy it is to fall into this navy argot?).They go ashore in Italy to see a former girl-friend and her family and through a series of what can only be termed unfortunate events the youngest member of her family(the eponymous "baby") ends up aboard ship. This is the cue for a number of jolly japes and wizard wheezes that date back at least to the Will Hay era.Sir John Mills is rather touching as the naive (and just a tad punchy) former fighter.If he is not entirely convincing he certainly makes a better job of it than his fellow theatrical namesake Sir John Gielgud would have done. Many much-loved British comedy stalwarts thoroughly enjoy themselves throughout.Lionel Jeffries,Harry Locke and Duncan Lamont excel amongst the O.R.s,Michael Hordern,Ernest Clarke and Thorley Walters liven things up on the bridge.I thought I spotted Patrick Cargill,but he isn't credited. Bryan Forbes,impossibly young and handsome,plays the university graduate National Serviceman and possibly wrote some of the funniest dialogue. "The baby and the battleship" is by no means cutting edge cinema,no envelope-pushing here,thank you.It is an average Brtish service comedy of half a century ago,with most of the cast long gone to the great Audition Room in the sky.Films like this are no longer made:small-scale homely family comedies with audience-friendly stars and a supporting cast of familiar faces,made for £4.50 in three weeks. Until they make a comeback(and don't hold your breath)you can watch "The baby and the battleship" with an exquisite mixture of pleasure and nostalgia.And please feel free to laugh unreservedly for,as the commentator said in "The Golden Age of Comedy",ghosts may be listening.

The Baby and The Battleship is one of those movies that can be instantly forgotten about as soon as the end credits roll. It is an innocent film for an innocent audience - no blood, no gore, no violence, no profanity, no sex, no anything much. Still, it is worth a look, if only to spot some famous names in the days of their relative youth - Richard Attenborough, John Mills, John Le Mesurier, et.al. Not great nor terribly funny but it does have a few light-hearted moments that warm the heart.