The Worst Film Ever

SERIOUSLY. This is what the crap Hollywood still puts out?

There is just so much movie here. For some it may be too much. But in the same secretly sarcastic way most telemarketers say the phrase, the title of this one is particularly apt.

I wanted to like it more than I actually did... But much of the humor totally escaped me and I walked out only mildly impressed.

Things is truly a masterpiece of cinema, and as such it must be shown to everybody young and old so they can bask in the sheer brilliance of this piece of cinematic art. Okay, so that's not exactly true, in fact there is so much wrong with this movie in the first 20 minutes that I could write about it for hours.The plot goes something like this: A man named Doug (Doug Bunston) is tending to his sick wife Susan (Patricia Sadler) when his friend Fred (Bruce Roach) and brother Don (Barry J. Gillis) come over for some drinks and sandwiches. We then cut to some kind of hospital where a doctor is cutting various body parts off of some deformed guy... don't know what this has to do with the rest of the movie. As it turns out Doug let a doctor perform experiments on Susan so they can have a baby because Doug is unable to. This causes gigantic ants to crawl out of her stomach (makes sense, right?) and run amok in the house. It's up to Doug, Fred and Don to kill them all.This movie seems to be one of those SOV movies made by a group of friends messing around with a camcorder (which I totally respect), and it shows here because the acting is terrible, so is the dialog. Some of my favorite lines of the entire movie:"The next time you come with me on a trip, you're staying home" (Well, you can't do both!)Don: "You didn't tell me you were a kindergarten artist" Doug: "You didn't tell me you were an *SSHOLE I had to find that out for myself" Priceless.There are several more but frankly I can't remember them all.The sound is pretty bad as well, there's one part where one character's voice goes really quiet for a few seconds, you can't hear what he's saying, but you know he's saying something. A lot of the characters seem to be dubbed over, quite hilariously I might add, one character is screaming while he is being eaten by "things" and he sounds like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, it's really funny. The sound FX are also laughable, in this movie, the cutting off of a head and the cleaning of a blade with a paper towel sounds like sloppy making-out.The scene where the guy belches and farts cracked me up because, 1. I'm really immature, and 2. it pretty much came out of nowhere.Also, what's with all the random news reports? The movie cuts out several times to show a news reporter (Amber Lynn) talking about a random news report that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Also, with how bad the editing is, she is cut off in the middle of a sentence once, and often quick flashes of random images pop up before the report comes up.And what I think is the most obvious problem of all, WHY DID THEY STAY IN THE HOUSE??? Don says it's because their car's out of gas and they wouldn't make it through the woods and they could get eaten by bears or snakes. But later in the movie the doctor who experimented on Susan shows up, meaning he either walked or drove there, the latter being the more likely option but I'm willing to believe anything in this movie. If he walked, it can't be that dangerous, if he drove... DUDE, HE'S GOT A CAR, LEAVE!!!Last but not least, the ending. Without spoiling too much, I can say this: WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!!!???There are so many more questions I could ask. Like why does Doug always laugh like he has problems? Why was Don sharpening the blade with his hand? Why was Don telling a long horror story that adds nothing to the movie? How can a skull talk? Bestiality Network? Cockroach snack?One "Things" for certain, this is probably the funniest and most entertaining bad movie I have ever seen, I was surely never bored. Which is why I'm giving it a 10 that it probably doesn't deserve, I don't rate my movies on quality, I rate my movies on entertainment value, it's too confusing the other way. If I gave the movie a 1, it wouldn't be because of how horrible the movie is (actually it would), it would be because I wasn't entertained and didn't laugh, and I was sure entertained by Things.Oh, one more "thing", the scene where they are watching a presumably fake horror movie on TV and they have the nerve to comment on what a cheap and terrible movie THAT movie is, was quite jaw-dropping, a grand example of irony.

Sometimes a film comes along and changes your life forever. Sometimes a film makes you question everything you believe in, everything you thought you knew. Sometimes a film beats you down and leaves you broken, whimpering in a corner, nothing but an empty shell of your former self. Sometimes a film waxes so philosophical that your comprehension falters and all that remains is series of abstract and confusing images, their true meaning just beyond the means of your feeble intellect. Sometimes a film is just so ridiculously awesome that it blows your frigging mind. THINGS is one of those films.In 1989, most of the world remained blissfully unaware of the cinematic monstrosity that Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis had unleashed via the then-thriving direct-to-video market. The fact that this film got made is in itself quite amazing, the fact that it got released borders on the miraculous. Apparently, Jordan and Gillis were somehow able to convince Intervision that THINGS cost a whopping $350,000 to make, when the actual budget was more like $35,000. Honestly, that number still seems quite a stretch, unless beer and cheese are obscenely expensive in Canada.THINGS was filmed on Super 8. It's grainy, out of focus, badly lighted, badly acted, and just plain hard to watch. The original sound for the entire film was ruined, which led to one of the most hilariously bad and out-of-sync re-dubs in film history. There are long awkward silences, unbearable static and distortion, and, to make matters worse, Jordan and Gillis are obviously making most of the film's sound effects by mouth. The final result defies words, elevating what would have just been another bad and forgettable movie into a definitive cult classic.As for the story, or lack thereof, THINGS weaves the twisted tale of Doug Drake (Doug Bunston) and his wife Susan (Patricia Sadler). Unable to conceive a child, the couple turns to the evil Dr. Lucas (Jan W. Pachul), who artificially inseminates Susan. As expected, it all turns out rather badly and Susan gives birth to a bunch of… well, things. Fear not, however, Doug's brother Don (Barry J. Gillis) and his wisecracking sidekick Fred (Bruce Roach) are on the scene, ready to drink beer, eat cheese sandwiches, and battle the ant-like things with chainsaws, flashlights, and good old old-fashioned common sense.Don't get too excited though, THINGS doesn't play out like you would expect. Instead it just kind of drags along as if woefully determined to test the limits of your comprehension and frustration. The action scenes are separated by long boring conversations, extended shots of flashlight beams on ceilings, and awkward TV news segments featuring porn star Amber Lynn, who presumably had neither the time nor the inclination to memorize her lines. Other highlights include Don and Fred finding a tape recorder (Evil Dead 2 anyone?) in Doug's freezer, one of the worst riddles I have ever heard, a ridiculous dream sequence, the horribly awesome soundtrack, and Don's epic sci-fi soliloquy.When all is said and done, you need to see THINGS. Consider it an initiation ritual into the cult of bad movies. Rest assured, your first viewing will be hard to finish, but stick with it. Upon completing it your curiosity will draw you back time and time again. As bad as it is, something about THINGS just works, making subsequent viewings ever more enjoyable. It accidentally achieves a perfect combination of violence, charm, weirdness, and unintended hilarity. Buy it now, stock up on beer and cheese sandwiches, and force all your friends to watch it. You'll be glad you did.Final verdict: 9/10

That score! That dialogue! That awkward pointlessness! What in hell happened here? In similar situations, I usually half-jokingly say "I don't even want to know". But in this case, I really, really wanna know! For whatever reason this movie ended up like it did, it was definitely intentional. It didn't take a long time to figure that out. Somehow, that doesn't take away at all from how completely insane and random this movie is! It's like Troll 2, or Horror House On Highway Five, with maybe a little Zombie '90 thrown in. Exactly! That's the kinda odd I'm talking' about, here. Which makes me wonder How in the hell could I have gone as long as I did without seeing it? That's the part that gets me the most. And by the way, I adore this film. Mainly because I can watch it a thousand times and still have no idea what's going on. Now, that's what I call rewatch value! Whilst searching for next awesome B-movie for my collection, this is the kinda thing I'm always hoping to eventually unearth. It rarely happens, which makes it all the more satisfying once it does. Such a disasterpiece, that Things truly is a masterpiece. A masterpiece of the odd, the surreal, and the confusing. Why can't Troma ever release stuff like this? I'm gonna watch this movie so many times, it ain't even funny! And not to mention the recently released DVD offers two audio commentary tracks. There's gotta be something in one of those which offers some sort of an explanation. Although, if there isn't, somehow, I won't be surprised. If you like 'em bad in all the right ways, this confused Super-8 epic is nothing short of a beautiful experience... Oh! And yeah. I did notice how I said absolutely nothing about a plot. Trust me. It makes no difference. 10/10

Hello there. I'm a fat beer drinker from Japan. Beer is pronounced "bi-ru" in Japanese. Microbrewed beers are called ji-biru and are very popular. If I want to get drunk I am gonna buy some Asahi, Kirin, Suntory and Sapporo and get drunk as quickly as I can. You know, I'll get drunk with or without you, my Japanese babe. I'll drink beer till' my head explodes. Because drinking beer is better than having sex, I kid ya not. "Things" is a perfect film for dedicated beer lovers and booze enthusiasts. Grab some beer whilst watching this psychedelic piece of horror. Just beware: there 's still a couple of losers up there, don't let 'em drink all the beer. I'd love to drink some beer with Don Drake and Fred Horton from "Things" - these guys are beer-loving maniacs. There is not enough beer for 'em in the refrigerator. Hey sexy girl, may I ask for another Sapporo? You must see "Things" with me... I have seen "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan", "Plutonium Baby", "Troll 2", "Night of Horror", "sLaughterhouse II", "Bloodsucking Kettle from the Alien Zone", "Raping My Pink Bunnies", "Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell", "The Crawlers", "Porno Zombies", "Nightmare Weekend", "The Brain" and I must say to you, my lovable angel: "Things" tops them all. Chock full of blood and gore, farting ant-like creatures, bad acting, cheap hooker in the mask showing her snatch, chainsaw dismemberment and... beer. 9 out of 10 for thingies, who enjoy drinking booze. A beer smacking masterpiece of horrific horror. Biiru mo kudasai!