Sorry, this movie sucks

I gave it a 7.5 out of 10

A different way of telling a story

It's a good bad... and worth a popcorn matinée. While it's easy to lament what could have been...

Man, what was the budget on this film? Must have been close to nothing, as not much happens beside Jesse Ventura slugging it out with former England manager Sven Oren Erickson in a wintery landscape with the odd bit of input by the locals or those other two guys in space. This should be the most boring film ever! But it's not! Jesse plays Abraxas, which would be a great name for a toilet cleaner! Here he's an intergalactic cop out to get Sven "I gots to shoot some steroids" Olsen from the Running Man as this guy has impregnated an Earth chick with a Cormator that knows the anti-life formula. Whatever that means. To be honest, it's all the crap these actors have to spew that makes the film so entertaining.Jesse's box has VD, for instance. I cannot go on and spoil all the bewildering one liners this film has to offer, because beyond that you have an ultra cheap sci-fi film with terrible punch ups and not much else. Forget all that and stay for the insane dialogue! It gets funnier as it goes on (and once you realise you are not going to get anything exciting bar two guys duking it out in the snow).

There are a lot of bad movies, but there's only one Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. If you want poor acting, a nonsensical plot, unbelievably low quality sound recording/editing, a pointless Jim Belushi cameo, and inappropriate soft jazz, Abraxas is the movie you've been looking for.Abraxas stars Jesse Ventura in the title role. While I enjoyed his work in movies like The Predator, he seems wholly incapable of carrying a movie on his own. He's joined by Sven-Ole Thorsen - Arnold Schwarzenegger's old buddy. A large chunk of the movie is devoted to these two guys chasing each other through the woods and mindlessly beating on each other. The third main member of the cast is Marjorie Bransfield. I'll be incredibly nice and call her performance bland.The plot is so ridiculous, it's barely worth mentioning. Abraxas is some sort of space cop called a finder who is chasing his former partner, Secundus. Secundus has come to Earth to find a suitable mate to bear his child. His offspring will be the Comater and have knowledge of the Anti-Life Equation. Secundus finds a female, impregnates her with a hand to the belly, and the baby (or Comater) is born within a few minutes. Abraxas catches up with Secundus and sends him to a penal planet. Five years later, Secundus escapes prison and heads back to Earth (with Abraxas hot on his heels) to retrieve the Comater so he might gain the power derived from the Anti-Life Equation. I'll stop there. This is all so pointless.I've always said that I rate movies based on entertainment. Abraxas is a test of that statement. It's a bad movie based on anyone's definition. It's totally ridiculous, stupid, and incompetently made - but it's fun. Despite the many obvious flaws, I was entertained. A qualified 7/10 from me.

Abraxas (Jesse "The Body" Ventura) is a 10,000 year old Finder, which is sort of like an intergalactic cop. He is sent to Earth to find and capture his former partner Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen). But this baddie is clever in that he quickly impregnates out-on-a-date-in-the-woods Sonia (Marjorie Bransfield) and she gives birth to an intelligent star child within minutes (worst...date...ever!). Abraxas captures his man, but refuses the order to kill the woman and child. Five years later, Secundus escapes from his prison and heads back to Earth to reclaim the Anti-matter equation he has hidden in his son's head (and hopefully make some child support payments). This Canadian gem actually played theatrically in some places (a certain Mobian paid to see it, but he asked to remain anonymous for safety reasons). Ventura and Thorsen were both in THE RUNNING MAN (1987), but don't expect anything on the level of that classic here. Director-writer Damian Lee mostly has the guys running around the forest to a completely inappropriate saxophone score. Worth seeing for a few laughs though and there is one 80s big star cameo that I won't spoil here.

Anything starring ex-wrestler / former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura gotta be worth your weight in gold. After appearing as support in such films 'Predator', 'The Running Man and 'Ricochet', his first leading role happens to be in something rather lesser; 'Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe'. It's a low-rent, corny b-grade sci-fi chase get-up in the form of those efforts done in the late 80s / early 90s ('The Hidden', 'The Peacekeeper' and 'Dark Angel') with certain elements of 'The Terminator' (1984) obviously featuring.Abraxas, an alien officer comes to earth to track down a renegade who plans to impregnate a woman with a child, which would be an actual ticking time bomb waiting to explode if caught in the wrong hands. He captures the renegade, but is too late to stop the pregnancy. Instead of destroying the threat, he spares the mother and baby's life. Times passes and the renegade escapes and heads back to earth to find the child, but Abraxas is soon on his trail by trying to get to the child first.It's best that you just go with the flow. Don't look too hard into it, as it won't be impossible to get some sort enjoyment out of it with its unintentional mocking and bizarre nature (like the birth scene). Ventura rocks, but something about his burly physic not matching up to his well-mannered delivery of the material raises some chuckles with his almost-like second-rate Terminator impression. At times the chewy dialogues (honestly it was Shakespeare stuff) seemed too much of a mouth-fall for the two outer-space guests. A robotic Sven-Ole Thorsen forcefully played the evil foe, but Ventura has an sincerely likable air to him that makes him rather appealing in the role. Marjorie Bransfield is decent in her part. Also appearing in very minor support is James Belushi (who has a ridiculous conversation with Bransfield's character) and the dependable Michael Copeman.Damien Lee (b-grade actor/writer/director) manages to make the production look better technically than its budget would allow. Sure the minimal special effects and (out of place slow-motion) action set-pieces are low-scale, but modestly crafted. It's well-photographed and the soundtrack is a flavoured sample of swiftly soothing jazz (odd I know) and electrifying rock. The flabby script is constantly stiff drivel and the screenplay while focused is still quite pedestrian (with a meandering midsection), but whenever Ventura's narrative voice-over pops up it amuses. The supposed humour on the other hand, (which the script tries for in parts) is dumb and falls flat, because they're not the moments you'll laugh at. Talk about a dud of an ending.Undistinguishable, but better than expected camp that has some heart.