What a waste of my time!!!

Good concept, poorly executed.

A Disappointing Continuation

The performances transcend the film's tropes, grounding it in characters that feel more complete than this subgenre often produces.

I knew I would enjoy this movie from the moment it was in theaters. I knew so little about Dwayne Johnson (the Rock) but he seemed interesting enough. Most of my friends avoided this movie because the Rock was a wrestler, and I get the idea that many people don't like wrestling, but I gave him a chance. And you know what? It made for a very entertaining action-packed yarn. From the mind of the Mummy creator Stephen Sommers, here comes the latest action hero of the early 2000s. This was also the first movie where Kelly Hu made an appearance. She would later become Lady Deathstrike in X2. Such a beauty! And everyone else (especially the late Michael Clark Duncan) was good too. It's not Oscar material, but it doesn't have to be to be entertaining. If you're looking for a good sword-and-sandal action-adventure flick in the same vein as Conan, try this!

Hello sir, I'll have a sword and sandal movie with extra cheese.The Scorpion King remains one of my most beloved movies of all time. Its not trying to be an Oscar-calibre movie like Gladiator (which is fine coming from someone who found Gladiator boring), rather its just a chance to watch The Rock crush people on the big screen. Dwayne Johnson is definitely in his acting debut here - he is a big beefy guy who can hold his own in the action but don't ask him to do much else. His love scene with Kelly Hu is excruciating (no thanks to the writing) and even his comic timing is a bit iffy (save for one hilarious scene where he suggests to a young street urchin "I'll kill half, you kill half").Director Chuck Russell impresses me with this film. He's definitely the strong point with his well directed fight scenes and good pacing. One of the standouts of hiring The Rock is that you're going to have awesome fight scenes. The Scorpion King's fight scenes are so awesome that I can watch this movie on repeat and never get sick of it. Its clear that they're extremely choreographed - its clear that extras are holding back waiting to fight - but they're still awesome, featuring an array of weapons (conventional and improvised) wielded by awesome beefcakes like Johnson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Ralf Moeller and Steven Brand. Some scenes feel completely staged - such as a pitchfork spear managing to land perfectly around Johnson's throat to pin him in place against a never-before-seen piece of wood - but its still awesome fun to watch. Characters often appear where they are needed, despite the implausibility. I can forgive all of this.The Scorpion King is a treat to look at - the visuals are honestly more convincing than some of the big budget fare these days, with a great attention to detail (such as digitally created civilians the size of ants rushing to the aid of a person crushed by a giant gong, despite not having any impact on the story). The sound editing is hit and miss - sometimes a sword will make a metal-on-sheath sound as it is pulled from a cloth scabbard, while in others the sound of metal on flesh is so believable it makes me flinch. Costumes are nice (especially the red guards) and production design is very impressive.The screenplay is nice and simple - Mathayus' brother is killed during a botched assassination and he seeks revenge. The extended edition reveals a prophecy played central part - I'm much happier without that. However, the dialogue and characters are cheesy and shallow. We never even learn half the main characters' names (Heslov goes by "horse thief" or "my friend" while Hu goes by "Sorceress"). There's some choice humour and some that doesn't land ("there's no need to be concerned miss" is lame even by 10 year old standards").On the acting front, the highlights include the gorgeous Kelly Hu as Cassandra, a lovable Bernard Hill as Philos and Michael Clarke Duncan as Nubian King Balthazar. What a gem this guy was - this is the film that introduced me to him. He's such a beast with his deep voice and bulging muscles, going toe-to-toe with Johnson in a brawl that starts because both men are so strong their swords shatter on impact. If you don't laugh at that you're made of stone. Brand has his moments as the antagonist Memnon, great from a physical standpoint even though he can't quite carry the serious moments. Grant Heslov drives me insane with his high-pitched voice and goofy sidekick persona.The Scorpion King is a great guilty pleasure. Its simple storyline stops it being goofy, and its awesome fight scenes between beefcake actors make it worth your while. Imagine Predator meets Gladiator with a pinch of Mortal Kombat, and you've got a fair idea.

The way I see it, there are two ways to look at The Scorpion King: as a guy's guy, in which case TSK is the best movie ever made in the history of cinema, or as a critically thinking, intellectual male, in which case TSK is a somewhat amusing, 90-minute exercise in historical inaccuracy. Either way, I think the world would be an infinitely better place with Kelly Hu running about in skimpy outfits whilst pretending to be important. But…that could just be the (highly uninformed) opinion of my penis. Mr. Penis tends to cloud my judgment sometimes and here, he almost succeeded in convincing me that The Scorpion King is a good movie. But, all he really convinced me of was that I like Kelly Hu. A lot.There really isn't much story in The Scorpion King — a spin-off of The Mummy movies — but what little story there is focuses on Mathayus (The Rock, in his first starring role), the last of the Akkadians, and his quest to capture the precognitive sorceress (the aforementioned Hu) of the despotic king, Memnon (Steven Brand). There is also some nonsense about a band of "free" rebels, led by Balthazar (Michael Clarke Duncan) but, at the end of the day, all this flick needs is The Rock kicking much ass. And he does that. Quite well, actually.The Scorpion King was originally in theaters in 2002, but was just released on Blu-ray this recently. Both visually and aurally, this disc shines. It both looks and sounds great in the high-def format. It's in the extras department where this disc is lacking. There are interactive, documentary featurettes that you can access at various points in the film, but I always find these distracting and they don't really offer any great insights into the filmmaking process. I mean, who really wants to hear The Rock waxing rhapsodically about the desert locations where the film was shot? I know I don't. All I want to see is the goddamn People's Eyebrow, which is noticeably absent from this entire production.There is also a commentary track from director Chuck Russell, which is informative on a certain level but you won't be missing much if you decide to it skip entirely. And that's it for special features on this disc.All in all, if you're a fan of The Rock, the WWE, and big, dumb action movies then, by all means, this is the disc for you. Crank it up and let the Godsmack tunage blow you through the back wall of your goddamn living room. Otherwise, save your money and wait for the Blu-ray release of the infinitely more satisfying (on many, many levels…) Dark City.

In an ancient time, predating the pyramids, King Memnon is using the psychic powers of his sorceress Cassandra to for tell his great victories. In a last ditch effort to stop Memnon from taking over the world, the leaders of the remaining free tribes hire the assassin Mathayus to kill the sorceress. But Mathayus ends up getting much more than he bargained for. Now with the help of the trickster Arpid, tribal leader Balthazar and an unexpected ally, it's up to Mathayus to fulfill his destiny and become the great Scorpion King.....A silly spin off of an even sillier movie, The Scorpian King is by the numbers Conan piffle, but it does show that Dwayne Johnson had very good screen presence, even though the script is dire.Russell is a good director, and knows how to handle a high concept movie, but here he loses the plot.....and then some.So what we are left with is Johnson and the great film writer Grant Heslov walking around the desert, bickering, having fights, bickering some more, and chasing after the cut price Sean Pertwee.There isn't any urgency in the movie, the set pieces are lethargic, and Kelly Hu's hair is always in the wrong place.It's the Fast and the Furious of sword and sandals movies, and it just plods on and on, until the predictable finale.If your a fan of Johnson, forget this, and start with The Rundown, at least it's fun.